A bit about me and my dream

I have always wanted to work with animals, since an early age. Anyone that knows me, knows I love animals and it one of the few things I have a passion ingrown from within since an early age.

I was born in South Africa, a country filled with wildlife, the lizards, geckos, chameleons, birds, safari parks with all types of wildlife, and despite being very young when I left, at the age of 5 to Madeira Island where wildlife is a bit more than limited, I still have within me a love for them.
I remember one of the houses we lived in, I'd be so happy to wake up in the morning to watch the chameleons that would walk up and down at a slow pace on our tree in the backyard. But things were difficult, despite not having a full concept of it, I noticed we kept moving house, never really stayed in one place, lived at times with relatives, and I guess at that age it was just an adventure, I'd see new faces, new things, even met a monkey once that would visit my grandmothers house, and was confronted with the sadness of our dead dog bitten possibly by a snake that lay behind the car. I can still taste the fresh milk we'd get from the farm in buckets from the cows that would wander on the land. We might have had financial difficulties but I had rich experiences, even if at times some were not so pleasant.

I think it was 1993 when we moved to Madeira Island Portugal, it was a tiny Island and much has changed there since I moved, but it was rather limited in wildlife, a few birds mostly seagulls and pigeons, a few other birds here and there, RATS, yip I remember the huge rats as once I nearly grabbed one thinking it was my escapen lab mouse pet behind the bookshelf to gasp and jump back as I watched a rat the size of my head stare at me.

Life in Madeira was somewhat simpler when I was younger, though I already was treated different, me and my brother bared the scars on our lips from cleft lip, and a lot of people there treated us as if we were disabled to the point of retardation at times, and the way a lot of them viewed disability was not as many people view it in some parts of the world, a lot of the people on that small island had a view that if you had a disability you were dumb, no matter the disability, I was young, 5 years old, so a lot of it passed unnoticed.

When I registered to kindergarten it wasn't to bad, I think at that age most children aren't taught to be mean, to be judgemental, to treat others differently, I then went to normal school, no more fun and games all day, I was started to be left aside, but it wasn't to major, I had some friends, not to bad. As I got older it got worse. I remember being in the supermarket in the toys section whilst my mother was looking at the school supplies and 4 children approaching me, a girl maybe 10 years old with younger possibly siblings and telling me "your mother must have hated you when you were in her belly and punched her belly and thats why you look like that" and then walked off, I was hurt and just ran to my mother, I can't recall telling her, but around that time I had a bitter feeling to the way people would perceive me.

The bullying, when I was in school, I tried my best to be myself and also to make friends, it was hard, cause there were always groups, and I liked everyone independently of how they dressed or interests, I was a very curious and open minded person, at times a bit daft, but all children are when growing up.
I noticed the girls were particularly more abusive and snobbish towards me than they boys, they had the I'm the queen attitude, we were all around 13 / 14 now. Due to the way I was treated by the girls I become more friends with the boys, and this turn against me too, I was the slut, the whore, the one sleeping around, a million things being said about me, when I'd never even had a 1st kiss.

My only comfort was my pets, people had become a mean manifestation against me and pets had not judged me, I had decided I wanted to work with animals when I was older, my father argued, saying it's not a viable profession and that in future all animals will be food, that I must work as a doctor, something like that, but I did not want to work with people, I had my fair share of people, turning against me at school when I'd done nothing, and a not very stable environment at home where the caveman mentality ruled my fathers side of the family and my grandmother that we moved with appearing to have an inbuilt hatred for my parents and their offspring, we were the least favorite of hers in the family, till this day, despite having to care for her whenever she is ill, my mom paying all the bills... And things between my mother and father, well I fear to mention a lot in the fear it hurts my mother in particular if she reads this as it is so public into our personal lives, but the domestic abuse she received, mostly in those times, as now it, to my knowledge has calmed down, but in those times, even I got caught up in the unexplained rage of my fathers heavy handed discipline.

Animals weren't really seen as family there, it has improved greatly, don't get me wrong, but I still remember a lot of what I read and saw, and there wasn't really anybody to help all that much, and I still hear of cases today. I remember one case in the newspaper, that happened near my house, 2 teenagers had gotten the neighborhood german alsatian to follow them up a block of flats, all the way to the 8th storey and threw the dog out the window, it crashed down on a car, destroying the car, the dog was still alive and had to be put down, the comment of the youths was that they just wanted to see what would happen, what action was taken you may ask, non, nothing whatsoever was done, and it wasn't the only gruesome case of cruelty or neglect. I believe the saying that you know a country by the way they treat their animals, and it is how I felt growing up. Some may argue I need to be grateful, I was taken in by the country, I could have been in South Africa still, but don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the country in many ways, but one does not need to agree with everything and lie that something is heaven to be grateful, things need to be pointed out if progress is to be made, if one never said anything the world would still be stuck in the stone ages.

I remember that when one of our family dogs Max died, he'd been through a lot after having being dognapped and tortured by a neighbor's kids, the comment from the mother of the teenagers after they had beaten up this tiny dog, a dog possibly the size of a large load of bread, thrown boiling food over him as they tied him up, broke several of his hips, his gums burnt from trying to chew through the ropes that held him, having found him left for dead under banana tree leaves, managing with expensive vetcare to get him back to health only to have him die from poisoning, it was such a heartbreaking thing, I remember taking of school, he was like my flesh and blood, he'd come to me if I was happy, sad or mad, he was a small defenseless animal caught up by the injustice, when I went back to school and they asked why I hadn't gone, the whole school started teasing me for having mourned my dog, my dog that had been there for me when nobody else at school had been. I wished I could have helped him, that I had the knowledge to help save my dog that night. I really wanted to go into animal care.

I was mocked and teased more and more, I had my bag slashed, I was mocked loudly, I had rumors spread about me that couldn't be more far from the truth.
I started to pretend to be sick, pretend not to hear my alarm, anything to get out of going to school and my attendance was possibly less than 50%, but being a good student, getting along with teachers and not causing problems I managed to get by. I still remember one guy I met at school through someone else saying in all sincerity, I was nothing like people said, he was so astonished that I was actually a nice down to earth person and he felt a bit ashamed about it all.

I tried to escape to the UK in 2005.
I had seen a site for Au Pair / Nanny jobs abroad, and despite having in the back of my mind that this could be a modern slavery scam, something I was very aware of, I had to chance it, I loved my family but I was very unhappy.
I went to Slough in the UK, to care for 3 underage children and 2 cats plus the house. It was a Monday to Friday job some weekends for I think £100 a week plus food and accommodation, but I tried to make my own food. Things didn't work out very well, I wasn't all that happy with quite a few things and after about 2 months I was back in Madeira.

Some more school, and then back to the UK in I think 2007 this time Irlam, Manchester.
I took another risk again, and again only knowing my employers through the internet and nobody else.
I was working with horses, I loved working with horses, but I was very slow for all the horses despite trying hard. I tried my best, I tried so hard, I'd work in sun or rain, and the rain was more constant, I didn't have money for wellie boots and most of the days after my long day shift my feet would look like cabbage or cauliflower underneath from the rain, and the puddles of urine and mud and horse manure that would infiltrate my shoes during the long day. I think I was getting around the same wages at about £100 a week with lodging, and I was making my own food, but with very little money I would usually just eat packet soups for meals. A few weeks later my heart dropped when they asked to speak to me, they told me I'm hardworking but I would be more suitable for a small yard or a single one on one. I cried so much, I was was not only letting those I knew down but myself. I really wanted this, I was working with animals, it was my dream, but the lack of experience and the big yard for me was too much for me to keep up to their standars.
I was back in Madeira.

I was back, but I had hope, a course for one year for administration to give me 3 years schooling equivalence, but my hopes were thrown and stopped to the ground when a few weeks before the course was due to start I was told it had not gotten enough students to enroll and would not proceed, and I had to decide then if I wanted to enlist to continue in normal schooling, I didn't know what to do and said yes, I wanted to make something of my life, I hopes now I was older it would be different, but it wasn't I had bulling at school once again, and I was now behind compared to my colleagues, I was about 20 and they were in their 14, there was one other girl in her 20 but I was treated like the mutant creature from the dumps and she was admired. I already didn't fit in, and I was considered by many stupid and stranger cause I did not wish to endeavour in drinking and drugs, something I had already gotten in my previous school. It wasn't for me, the binge drinking and marijuana amongst other things just wasn't my thing, and I wasn't about to partake in things just to fit in.
I remember someone committed suicide from the school once, and I wrote a dedicatory poem to him and those with little hope, I was teased again for writing something for someone I didn't know and some of the girls that knew him made ill jokes about it.
I had my own dog sometime later, he had a collapsed lung but the when I phoned the vets our version of the local RSPCA saying it's urgent, I was in tears, with my dog gasping for air, saying we didn't have money, if they could still please help us, I pleaded and begged and was refused, I spent the whole time alone with my dog, from about 9 at night till about 3 in the morning, when he finally collapsed from exhaustion, and I screamed as he convulsed, moving yet already dead, I was panicking, holding him, trying to thing how to revive him, everyone was sleeping in the house, my parents couldn't do anything, they had no money, I had no money, nobody to turn to, no knowledge, I felt a part of me was dying with him and my screams unheard felt so loud, I didn't know what to do, I felt helpless, again I wished I had the knowledge, I wished I could become a vet to help animals going through that and the owners going through that. I emailed the very same placed that had refused me, I asked them, could they refuse a dying pet due to no money, they emailed a few days later saying they couldn't, I replied, angry, frustrated, a million things going through me, that they had done just that and explained what happened, and to add pain to insult, they said I must have not explained myself properly to the person on the phone as they can not refuse a dying animal due to no funds for the treatment, the feelings I felt, are for me, someone that likes describing things in a colorful way, with many variations and works, I don't even know how to describe what I felt, I had so much more than anguish that the poet in me even ceases to exist to be able to manage the words to describe the many feelings, beyond pain, beyond hurt, beyond betrayal that I felt that night.

I had some other personal problems however they are in such a sensitive matter and would hurt some I know that I won't go into detail, but I did go through some moments where I wished I'd fall asleep never to awaken again, but I kept telling myself, one day it will all be worth it.

I'd had only 2 boyfriends by this time, one of about 1 year, he was a nice guy but we broke up as he went to study to be a vet in the mainland Portugal, and I had another that started out a nice guy, shy, sweet, but ended up getting a bit conceited and sabotage some potential relationships I had then when he saw it was over and I would not give him another chance, after thousands of failed chances, ill treated me.

I started dating another guy when in school, and he had been to the UK in the past, he had dreams of returning and so my 3rd attempt was here, now with someone beside me.

Angel, London February 2009
We came to London in February 2009, we stayed with a friend of my at the time boyfriend, but this guy turned out to be a lowlife, we were paying sometimes over £80 pounds a week for a small double room with a mattress and a shared kitchen , bathroom and TV lounge, the TV lounge was the other guys room and to get to the kitchen you'd have to pass the TV lounge. The guy kept making up prices to pay, bills to pay, but how could we be spending all this when my at the time boyfriend would spend all day out working and I'd usually spend all my day in my room with everything off, only my phone on, looking for jobs... My at the time boyfriend managed to get a job fairly quickly through a Portuguese job agency but I had difficulty as I had to get a national insurance card, and I had no idea how the system worked plus no references. Things got weird in the house, uncomfortable, the other guy was checking me out and making comments, I'd feel scared in the house and tried staying in the room locked whenever possible, my at the time boyfriend would eat at work as a kitchen assistant and my diet consisted of milk with strawberry milkshake and at times plain noodles, my usual weight is around 57kg and I had gone down to about 43kg at one point, my at the time boyfriend would give me some change for food, but wasn't much and he'd keep a good portion for what I later found out was gambling and cigarettes and I suspect marijuana. I wasn't very happy with him already from Madeira as he had cheated on me, but I was trying my best to keep the relationship going, I try to be as committed and loyal in a relationship and was trying to make things work out.
One night the guy we were renting from told us to stay in our room and make no noise or come out while he has visitors, things were getting strange, so we moved urgently. A few weeks later he was sending abusive and threatening texts but I didn't know I could report him to the police, thankfully after about 2 months it stopped.
I met more people in the new house, it was a larger houseshare, people were friendly and I was happy to find there was a dog in the house that I managed to teach some new tricks.

Something I had notices was whenever I had been in the UK, I hadn't even once come across rude remarks regarding my lip, my personality, sure at time people though I was a bit crazy, but it wasn't like back home, I didn't feel treated the same, looked upon the same as when I was growing up, I'm not saying I was everyone cup of tea, but I felt more at home, more safe within myself, I felt I had more possibilities.

I finally managed to sort my national insurance after a long period of trying to figure it out, having to get references I'm looking for work and understanding the system, I had a 1 day a week job at a spa, I got a part time cleaning job later, I tried telesales but the dishonesty and cold calling didn't fit with me and didn't work out as I wasn't managing, that lasted about 2 months, I had just found out about apprenticeships and applied for one but it was very far away, I was doing well, had a lot of compliments, but I had to do it full time, with no pay and no transport money, as I had reached the further end of the age limit where no government funding is supplied to the company to support the apprentice, I loved it, it was the opportunity of a lifetime to get an NVQ with horses and possible teach horse riding in future, but any money I had was running out, and the transport from east london all the way to west london was very expensive, I had mentioned it to the lady in charge and she said she'd help me with transport but no more came of it and to my dismay I had to pull out of something I really wanted.
I then a part time as a private carer and after a lot of stress, trial and error I managed to get into domiciliary care with an agency hoping for full time, but it had very irregular hours, sure there were days where I had a lot of hours but at some times all I had was £200 for a whole months for 3 months in a row, so it just wasn't reliable.
I later managed to get a job in a nursing home through a girl I had met and bonded with, we were best friends and became very close.
My and my at the time boyfriend broke up, from all the lies I was getting, and all the things that I just couldn't tale any longer, the love had frizzled and died and no amount of CPR could bring it back, so I had to end it, we are still friends, but there is no romantic level of hope left in it, I do however thank him for being part of my chance to come to the UK and I wish him the best in all his endeavors, I hope he will learn and grow and be happy.
I finally had a job, and a social life, but things turned sour in my job, there was a lot of conflict and it was like being back at school, after a stressful period not knowing if I'd loose my job, with my probation period extended things started to slowly calm down and thankfully after about a year it has calmed down to a manageable level, and at current things aren't to bad.

The problem? I'm in a country I adore, in a city I love, doing a job, that despite rewarding in many ways, isn't something I feel in my heart, is what I want.
Don't get me wrong, it is a very rewarding job to enable elderly people to live their lives to the fullest, to enable them to have a more independent life, to share things with them, do things with them, but it was never the job I envisaged, I remembered telling my father I'd never work in healthcare and here I was, working with people, something I'd always thought is not my vocation, I know things change, but in my heart, despite loving helping people, it's just isn't in the right place in my core, it holds a special place in my heart, but not the centre of it. I started to think, how time goes past, and working with elderly people, makes you really contemplate life, it makes to reflect, how life can just pass you by and you never got to do the things you wanted. I applied for jobs again with animals, but I didn't have the experience, then I didn't have the qualifications, I applied for a horse apprenticeship near my house but this was not successful, despite being really hopeful and feeling like it was another door slammed in my face, I started looking at things I'd like to do, courses I could possibly take to work with animals, but I can't afford it. I already have an overdraft I struggle to not go over, a maxed credit card, and whenever I think I'm finally saving, something inevitably happens and I have to use my savings up, and I don't really earn much to make a dent in my finances. I have someone in my life I care for, but they are also struggling to find their dreams and aspirations, and they try to support me but they too are struggling. All I can think is that maybe if I can get my feet in the door to my dreams I can help them find theirs. I've had other things happen in my life, but the story would be endless, so I'll try to finish soon.

I have other things I like doing, such as acting and singing, but I don't feel I have the looks or connections for acting or sufficient voice control for singing, I like to write but I don't think I'd know where to start to maybe write a book and that is with a lot of luck to make any money in it, I don't know much else I like or am good at, and all I constantly hear is the child within me saying I want to work with animals.

I feel like time is passing me by, and I'll end up, in a care home, telling someone how I never managed to accomplish what I wanted and that I just settled for what I could get, that all my life, all I did was dream, and that I had come so close, so many times, but never managed to do more than touch my dreams with my fingertips, my only consolation being that I found a country I've managed to fit in enough to be happy and people I love, to be so close to happiness, but the one thing, you spend most of your time doing, that thing being work, leaving me feeling incomplete, like a light could shine through an empty spot in my soul for where a dream once lived to work with animals.
I just that won't be my future and hope someday I'll be telling someone instead the very same thought that has been keeping me alive and kicking... that one day, it will all be worth it.

PS: Sorry if there is spelling issues and / or confusing text. I possibly have dyslexia plus dyspraxia and it messes with my spelling and grammar at times, also at times my thoughts can be a bit uncoordinated.

I have created a page in a last attempt to achieve my dreams, I am trying to gather donations to be able to take on a course as a Veterinary Support Assistant  I thank you for reading my story, and I hope to keep you updated on how things go. Weather or not you donate I still thank you for taking the time to read my story and for those that donate an extra thank you for getting me closer to my dreams. I know this is a long shot with so many causes out there, but I hope to help many more people and animals if I manage to achieve my dreams. Any extra money will help with if I have to change my employment to part time in order to take the course so I am able to survive on half my wages whilst studying, any amount even very small is largely appreciated.

EDIT: I don't mind starting small as a groomer assistant if anybody is willing to hire someone without any professional experience and give me a chance to learn and work. Or if I am unable to save for a Vets Assistant course maybe I can raise enough to take a dog grooming course as it will be a step closer in the right direction... :)